The Legend of the Toilet Tour

There’s no room to move in a hot van. Weighed down by amps, drums and expectations as we speed across the continent. Life on the road, on the road. Hard tarmac bouncing through the suspension as laptops reflect and PlayStation controllers collect bacteria. German gas stations have gone downhill, the MacDonalds takeover crushing the schnitzel. The spendthrifts pissing in the overgrowth to avoid the 70c charge at the turnstiles. The driver battles through the city, when we arrive we’re running late for sound check-thanks to the Autobahn sudden stops.

Steaming bottles of hot urine are thrown from the sliding door while we mount curbs through rush hour. There’s nothing like turning up to a graffitied, concrete floored venue where sweat stained ceiling panels have seen more action than the promoters bank account. Rolling in with tails between legs we scatter in search of the restroom. Like dogs in the park after missing our morning walk. The cubicle door is more stickers than wood, lock smashed off some time ago. The metal toilet frame missing the seat, fag burned roll holders. Paradise for travelling bands and crew. 

There’s a circuit on the road. The toilet tour. Named not only for the fine services provided but also for the venue size, the audience fluctuations, one night sold out then next (probably Monday in Munich) a desperate soul crushing echo chamber of a show. It’s a rite of passage for rock n roll stars all over the world. Whether we’re fighting our way from Hull to Dundee or learning how to park in Paris these are the first steps to stardom. Building a fan base from the ground up has never been so much fun. “Can we have some more beers for the dressing room” is the battle cry. Throwing pillows at the drummer as they snore in the dorm room, checking the tour managers sunglasses situation to see how hungover they are. Hating the soundman for being immediately able to fall asleep as soon as the van starts moving, while the windows are continually opened and closed to release the smells of the day before.

Onwards to Groningen, Zurich to Berlin in a day, load in, sound check, setup merch, interviews, crisps and rider sandwiches, support bands guitarist saves the day when our only bass strings snap. Blowing up keyboards and amps and attitudes. Hearing our songs in the radio. Hitting the big time.

There are some incredible small venues across the UK and Europe. Check back soon for our Top 5 countdown to the best venue under 250 capacity. Long live the Toilet Tour.